The 1-1

Dear Friend,

"How happy are you out of 10?"

Five words that changed how I lead. I ask this at the start of every 1:1, before the project updates, before the metrics, before the action items. It's a tiny question that creates space for the conversations that actually matter.

Numbers have a strange power. They bypass our defenses. "I'm fine" reveals nothing, but "I'm a 6 today" tells a story. When someone who typically reports an 8 suddenly drops to a 6, we both know there's something beneath the surface. When a consistent 4 climbs to a 7, we explore what changed. The number isn't the destination—it's the doorway.

I stumbled on this technique by accident. Years ago, a therapist used a whiteboard to reflect my words back to me. As I spoke, she mapped what I said, creating a clarity I couldn't find alone. Now I do the same with my team. As they explain their number, I sketch their words. This simple act of mirroring helps us both see patterns hiding in plain sight: what energizes them, what drains them, what obstacles keep appearing.

Over time, these weekly check-ins create a topography of experience—not just where someone stands, but the valleys they've crossed and the mountains they're climbing. The 10-point scale becomes our shared language for navigating the terrain between professional and personal, between what we do and how we feel doing it.

Management books overflow with complex frameworks and productivity systems. But I've found nothing more revealing than this one question. It acknowledges a simple truth: we don't leave our humanity at the door when we come to work. Performance isn't separate from experience—it flows from it.

The hardest part? You have to be ready for the answer. Ask the question enough, and eventually someone will trust you with their truth. That's when the real work of leadership begins.

If you're a leader who wants to see your team—not just their output but their journey—try starting with this: "How happy are you out of 10?"

It's the simplest difficult question you can ask.